It feels like our world has changed so much in the last eight weeks. The coronavirus has impacted each and every one of us to varying significant degrees. All of us now have a new normal. As we socially distance, some of us are breathing a sigh of relief and enjoying being introverted. Others of us are feeling lonely and longing to touch someone. Yet others still are trapped inside with the same people 24/7 and crave just a few minutes alone. We have been pulled into a new way of being. For probably the first time, our many roles are colliding together – worker, partner, caretaker, parent, child, friend, teacher, CEO and CFO or our personal lives – all in one place…our kitchen table.
For eight weeks, I’ve spent much of my time sitting in the same chair. Here, through my digital devices, I am CEO of my practice, therapist to my clients, a supervisor to my students, a wife to my husband, a friend, a mother to a son at home and a daughter who lives overseas, a daughter of my mother, a caretaker of my two dogs, a sister to my brother, and a companion to myself. All of this under one roof, in one room, on one chair for the past eight weeks.
Many of you are experiencing similar things. You’re the child who worries about your parents. You’re the parent worried about your children. Some of you are both. You are the partner of someone who is now either too close to you or too far away. You’re the parent who has now turned teacher to your kids, needing to show up as a math whiz, a music teacher, an artist, and an English major. The office for some of us has also melded with home – you’re having virtual conferences with colleagues who can now see directly into your private world and hear the kids yelling and the dog barking.
We’re not just social distancing at the moment, we’re also distancing from the places we go and the things we do. The different parts of our identity are usually highly localized. They each have a setting – our home, office, school, coffee shop, commute, the gym, etc. Even those of us who are accustomed to working from home are used to going out. Without this differentiation of settings, it’s hard to switch contexts, establish routines, and negotiate boundaries. But while these are challenges, they are having an interesting side effect: we’re seeing the possibility of a new way of being. We’re reprioritizing. We’re reconnecting. We’re communicating differently. We’re slowing down and we’re taking care. We’re checking in.
Contrary to the idea that all we need to do to survive this pandemic is to look after ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally, we also need to be creative and make changes to our relationships. We must create new boundaries and get rid of those that no longer serve us. Here are some relational tools that will help us do this:
- Monitor yourself morning, noon, and night. Check in on your stress levels (anxiety, despair, impulsivity, anger, depression, fatigue). Check your hopefulness levels too. If you are with others, encourage others to do the same. Being aware of how we feel internally helps us to not turn these feelings on one another and it helps us to self-regulate.
- We all have different ways of coping and processing our experiences. Under acute stress, some of us become highly emotional. Others might become highly logical. Use this knowledge to balance your perspectives instead of exacerbating tensions.
- Agree upon a code word that you use when you just can’t engage.But it’s also important that whoever uses the code word is responsible for opening the door to conversation when they are ready so the other person knows they are not dealing with endless silence.
- Communicate clearly, state what you feel and what you need. Clear requests are better than criticisms of the other.
- If you want someone to help you, tell them exactly what you need rather than having them guess or dumping a huge litany of complaints on them.
- If you need more flexibility from your employer because your roles are overlapping, be explicit about your needs. This is new for them too.
- If you need time and space from your partner or family, give them a schedule of when you are unavailable because of work or you’re taking some me time, etc.
- Try expressing appreciation not just for what another person does, but for what it says about who they are. “Thank you for cleaning up” is good but “thank you for being so thoughtful” is even better.
As restrictions start to ease, there is hope for a return to normal, however that may look. A ‘new normal’ is on the horizon. We are changed by our experiences and our relationships are a reflection of these changes. Taking good care of ourselves and each other pays dividends in the health of our most significant relationships. We can come out of this time with our relationships not only surviving, but thriving!
