“Why does everything always have to be a fight?” “Why can’t we ever talk about something without it turning into a fight?” These are things I hear not only from my couples in couples therapy but also from individuals. Wouldn’t you appreciate feeling heard in a difficult conversation? And I’m sure there have been many times where you have gotten defensive in a conversation. The definition of effective communication is that your message is understood in the way that it was intended by the person with whom you are talking. So why is it that, so often, this doesn’t happen?
There are lots of reasons, but one of them is that sometimes our defensiveness gets in the way — our back gets up and we actually stop listening. When we feel criticized, attacked, or go into a place of low self-esteem or worth, we revert to primitive functioning biologically and our fight or flight response kicks in and then effective communication goes out the window. (Read my blog post on the difference between criticizing and complaining.) We need to work hard to keep ourselves present and realize that we aren’t really facing the danger of impending death (that’s our primitive brain telling us that) so we can show up for this conversation.
First off know that defensiveness is normal. It’s easy to listen when the conversation is easy. It’s hard when we feel criticized, put down, or threatened. As human beings we tend to automatically listen for what we don’t agree with — we listen in order to correct the inaccuracies and exaggerations. This is called defensive listening. It is helpful to listen for the essence of what the other person is saying rather than the small details.
Harriet Lerner, PhD, in her book Why Won’t You Apologize?, suggests that there are 11 points to keep in mind when we’re on the receiving end of criticism to help us listen non-defensively:
- Recognize Your Defensiveness. Since we are wired to go immediately into defensive mode when we feel criticized, becoming aware of our defensiveness can give us a little bit of distance from it. This is the first step to moving forward.
- Defensiveness starts in the body. Slow down your breathing and do whatever kind of mindfulness that works for you to calm yourself. You can’t listen with an overheated system.
- Listen only to understand. This is the hardest one. Try to listen to discover only what you can agree with. Do not interrupt, argue, refute, correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints. If your points are legitimate all the more reason to save them for another discussion when they can be the focus of the conversation rather than a defense strategy.
- Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. “Can you give me a specific example where you felt like I was being disrespectful to you?” The key is to be curious, not nitpicking or cross-examining. This will show the other person that you care about understanding her.
- Find something you can agree with. Maybe you only agree with 15% of what your partner has said so you can own up to that 15%.” You’re right that I was hogging the conversation the other night . . .” If you can’t find anything you agree with then thank the other person for their openness and let them know that you will continue to think about what they’ve said.
- Apologize for your part. This shows that you’re capable of taking responsibility, not just evading it. It will also help shift your exchange from combat into collaboration. Save your thoughts about their part until later.
- Let the offended party know he or she has been heard and that you will continue to think about the conversation. Take time to genuinely consider the other person’s point of view.
- Thank the critical person for sharing his or her feelings. “I appreciate you telling me this. I know it couldn’t have been easy.” This is a way we communicate our commitment to the relationship.
- Draw the line at insults. Rudeness and abuse is not okay. Exit the conversation while offering the possibility of another conversation. “I want to hear what’s bothering you but I need you to not call me names.”
- Don’t listen when you can’t listen well. This is akin to taking a time out. It’s okay to tell the other person that you want to have the conversation and that you recognize its importance but that you just can’t have it right now. If you are closing the conversation, suggest a specific window of time when you feel you can resume it. “I can’t absorb what you are saying right now. Let’s come back to it tomorrow when I’ll be able to give this my full attention.”
- Define your differences. This is very important. Expressing a difference does not mean I’m trying to get you to change your mind. This is one thing we see differently. This isn’t confrontation. We can still disagree on certain points.
Words of apology, no matter how sincere, will not heal a broken connection if we haven’t listened well to the hurt or angry party’s pain. Wholehearted listening requires us to quiet our mind, open our heart, and ask questions to better understand. It also is necessary that we stop ourselves from interrupting, correcting, and saying things that leave the other person feeling unheard. “If only our passion to understand the other person were as great as our passion to be understood. (Harriet Lerner)
